Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
