I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
