good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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