My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
