I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
im holly from the hills drunk
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
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