mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
