I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
