Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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