I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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