You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
