Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize
