I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
