Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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