dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
