I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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