i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
