instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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