you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
