My girlfriend figured out who you are.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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