alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
