absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
