I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
