i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
