His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
