Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
