it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
