Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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