that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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