what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
