Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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