go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I looked at my own cervix.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
