I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
