Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
