Just mADE A PArabola og urine
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
