I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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