So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
