just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
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Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize