May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
