don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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