Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I deserve this hangover.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
