Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
