The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
