I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
