Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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