T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
