the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
