Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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