A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
