I am spending my child support on dildos
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
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Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog