U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia