I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
