my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
