i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I FOUND THE LEGS
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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