Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
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If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.