just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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